Regulators – mount up (OfS 2017 version)

Regulators – they regulate any entry to the HE sector. And they’re damn good too. But you can’t be any geek off the street – you’ve got to be handy with a spreadsheet, if you know what I mean. Earn your keep.

It was a cold grey day, a cold soft rain. Michael Barber was in his office, trying to maintain the golden years – which are still to come. Just sitting at his desk, writing all alone.

Then he put his consultation on the internet, it’s all about the mission of the OfS. See a site full of files (some needed a tweak), the main one ended up being two or three.

No fee link for the TEF – he can’t believe they blew this. So he made it a requirement and they all had to do this. The sector started reading and they said “what’s up? – what’s the deal with these metrics?”. Michael said “I’m stuck”

“Since there’s no fee link they might give TEF a swerve. But I’ll hide it in these docs and I’ll keep my nerve. I need to think of better things than NSS metrics, and put some lead indicators in the mix”

So the register’s a fact, and he wrote it himself. With a registration fee so he can share some wealth. No money for the DBs, no cash – no cheques. Doug Blackstock stepped back and thought “damn, what’s next?”

They’ve got the sector hemmed up and they’re all around, and there’s none of them expect the OfS will come round. If the finance gets irregular they start to clown, they’ve got powers of entry so the institutions go down.”

There’s reportable events and they make Michael seethe. He can’t believe they’re happening without his leave. If he had data he could check, but then he thinks “yes”, he spots the crew from the OfS.

“Six negative flags and their balance has a hole, auditors about to make this uni go cold. Now they’re writing to the Times but it’s a tad bit late – OfS has the power to regulate.”

“They shut the uni down and let the place explode, then they switched their minds back to monitoring mode. If you want ratings sit back and admire, there’s four other places going to go to the wire.”

“Now we’ve got the data, and that’s a known fact. Primarily for those on the Approved track. Back up, back up, because it’s on – OfS and me – the Michael to the B.”

Just like we thought, they were in the same spot – in need of some desperate help. OfS and the B-child were in need of financial health.

One of them unis was dodgy as hell, and said “ooh, recruitment rises – but my processes are broken and the drop-out rates are high, but please don’t come inside””

We’ve got a sector full of students and it’s going real swell. Next stop is the Russell Hotel.

We’re checking – for your data errors. Submit to HESA late – we dare you. Metrics – don’t tell us to shove it. “QA is the base and the TEF is above it”

Approved – fee cap – Tier 4 – we brings – Clarity.

OfS – we’ll even regulate you as a charity.

Background: people kept saying “Regulators – mount up!” round about the time the OfS was being set up. I wrote this and it was shared around Wonkhe, and now the time has come for you all to share the joy.